If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?

Last week, Ewan went on a business trip to New Jersey, I knew about the trip weeks in advance and even spoke with him on the phone four times a day for three days. Not sure why but he told me in the last 30 seconds of the last phone call of the day, he said he was going to NYC tomorrow nite in a standoffish tone. I said ok, then he said what is the problem, no problem, this shouldn’t be a big deal he said, it is not, then why are you reacting this way, you mean uninterested? It would have been nice to have some notice I said.

I am not sure why he was hiding this; I really could give two shits that he is going to NYC.

It took a while but it finally dawned on me that this was the latest in passive aggressive behaviors, this was an attempt to get back at me, because I went out of town to a friends birthday party and had wine, and he was pissed. Sounds stupid but give me a sec. So instead of telling me honestly, lets keep the NYC “party” trip under the radar, and if I tell her last minute, well I told her and I am off the hook. He knew this would cause a fight, he even tried to goat me, and he won, I got mad, but not for what he thinks, if he doesn’t feel the need to keep me posted of his activities, then turn about if fair play, so why should I? Right? When I got mad, he felt entitled.

The thing about me is, if you want to keep things a secret and not be forth coming, Guess what? I don’t fish. They are called secrets for a reason.

He can keep his secrets, but if your going to do that, guess what, you loose the right to tell me you had a great time because it’s a secret remember, and you will get the “ that’s nice honey” in an I could give a fuck tone.

It took me a while to get this, but next time, I wont react to the last minute shot over the bow …I will just speak to him with patronizing superiority after he gets back of course, and goof off with whomever I please.

No, I have not forgotten about the sexless relationship, and yes I see that he was penalizing me for going to a birthday party, all this aside, the thing I must remember is this,

If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?

CVH

 

Are Orgasms bullshit?

I began to watch Penn & Teller’s Bullshit, when the bullshit topic of the day was ORGASMS are bullshit. I thought I could manage it but there is something incredible difficult about it.

This weekend, in a movie, a mother discussed how her son was hospitalized and not allowed to have water. Only sponges were utilized to wet his mouth.

Even at the age of two years, the child could only talk about his desire to have water. Water, water, water, water, water. He was not dehydrated, and his mouth was kept moist, but no water given.

Clearly a person can live longer without an orgasm then water, and I am not two years old, but the reality was watching people discuss how, frequency and enjoyment of having an orgasm was pissing me off and my thoughts quickly turned into a huge cobweb of orgasm related issues and my temporary dysfunction of not being able to reach an orgasm because I have been in a sexually dysfunctional relationship for two years now.

I simple stated, I don’t want to watch this anymore, and Ewan immediately changed the channel. He did grumble, but intelligently made no mention of it the rest of the weekend.

My life didn’t look like this before. It is frustrating and unfortunately try as I might, most roads (regardless of what else is going on in my life) lead back to the NO orgasms, and NO Sexual intimacy in my relationship.

I am starting to think I am going nuts and now that Ewan is down one client, and has more free time, I wonder will he work on this problem or go back to the watching porn online and chatting with folks on the internet.

I feel like running away, with the conflicting thought of should I stick it out a little longer? or simply recognize that there is too much collateral damage to repair and move on regardless of him being my best friend.

~CVH

 

I woke up this noting after having a bad dream…

I woke up this morning after having a dream that Ewan was gay, and I found out after years of being lied too. I was punching him and thinking of ways to commit murder.

I don’t dream very often, if at all these days, so when I do and I can recall it, it makes you wonder what your subconscious is really trying to tell you.

I think it was a reminder that a year ago today, Ewan broke up with me.

I was like a Buddha and took it very calmly and honestly was excited to move on with my life, we had sexual problems for 8 months at that point and had not had sex for a couple months.

I remember it being a happy time but painful since we are best friends, but after a year of not really trying what was the point?

Not sure if my dream was a reminder of what I have to look forward too? because it made me remember my past?

It is not easy going thru life thinking your boyfriend it gay or cheating on you. I mean, that is what every girl and guy responds with when you say I am having sexual issues with my partner and of course there could not possibly be any other reason, therefore it is always cheating or being gay.

At this point, I am not sure what is harder:

• Being devoid of sex in a significant relationship

• Thinking your partner is cheating on you and trying not to become a complete neurotic hot mess,

• Or wondering if he really is gay and I am just an idiot

Happy Fourth!

~CVH

 

no sex is a very bad sign for a relationship…

Thanks Dartanion (This is my new twitter cyber boy friend), but saddly I know.

Bob Berkowitz author of “He’s Just Not up for it Anymore” had men take an anonymous survey to determine why he is not up for it anymore and here is what men said:

68% – She is not sexually adventurous enough for me
61% – She does not seem to enjoy sex
48% – I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife (wonder how many politicians fall here)
44% – I am angry at her
41% – I am bored ( could be solved if first item was also not the case)
40% – She is depressed (Ladies wtf – why are you depressed?)
38% – She has gained a significant amount of weight
34% – I am depressed
32% – I no longer find her physically attractive
30% – I suffer from erectile dysfunction
28% – I lost interest and I don’t know why
25% – I prefer to masturbate
25% – I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate
21% – I am on medication that lowered my libido
20% – I am/was having an affair
16% – I suffer from premature ejaculation
15% – I am having difficulty achieving orgasm
14% – I am too tired
9% – She is/was having an affair
3% – I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with (NEWS FLASH – Men do not always enjoy sex, not many but there are some)
1% – I am gay

* I am not sure how the percentages were calculated since this does not add up to 100% it exceeds it. Regardless, I hope this survey causes some folks to re-shift their thinking and change their view.

No, my boyfriend is not gay! Do you know how humiliating it is to have to address this? It is statistically improbable given that less then 1% of the male population is gay.

You may think you know your partners reasons for voluntary celibacy, but we are really only guessing – this is like layers of an onion – either way a sexless relationship is embarrassing and painful; and when the responsibility get’s shifted on you, away from from them, even worse.

~CVH

 

July 1, 2009 – Still no sexual intercourse

I started to see a therapist the beginning of the year because I was frustrated with being in a relationship that was sexless. My partner committed to going to therapy, and  my doctor suggested that I pick a date that I felt I could live with continuing on and I picked June 30th. I picked this date because I felt strongly at the time that after 6 months of therapy we should be moving toward something or having sex and clearly after 14 months of no sex, this was more then a reasonable consideration to go without having your physical needs met.

After six months, several fights, dog and pony show for the parents,  and still no sex.

I have to ask my self, what do I want.

Do I reconfigure a guideline?

This entire situation has led to some sexual dysfunction on my end and wondering if I will ever go back to being someone who was open, experimental and confident about her sexuality.

~CVH

 

Trojan Vibrating Touch

While I was watching television last night there was a commercial for the ” Trojan Vibrating Touch” which could be discretely ordered on line.  https://www.vibratingtouch.com/

The trojan site touts that the product is ” Petite and discreet, from the brand you trust most, the Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is the perfect little aid to create big pleasure, providing thrilling vibrations right at your fingertips. This small yet powerful vibrator, Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® personal fingertip massager features unique textures and gentle, rhythmic vibrations to add increased stimulation.”

Why are we encouraging masturbation?

Growing up, I was never one to believe that masturbation will cause you to go blind, or give you hairy palms,  but these days I recognize that there is a correlation between masturbation and the desire to avoid intimacy.

Just like eating, masturbation starts out as a natural experience, however, it can become an addiction. Not every person who masturbates is addicted to it.  In fact, in most cases s/he will be told, “You’re not addicted. Masturbation is just another form of sex. Don’t worry about it.” The advice offered by the defenders of masturbation  can be summed up in one phrase: “If it feels good, do it.”

Of course it feels good, but so does having sex with another human being. We live in an era where masturbation is being used to avoid physical intimacy in relationships and instead of engaging in healthy sex with another person.  Who wants to sign up for “Fantasy-based” sex alone, and completely devoid of  intimate relationships.

This can’t be the basis of our future , looking at pornography on the internet / fantasy based solo sex,  if it is… please take me to the planet where people still enjoy a good romp in the sack.

CVH

 

Sexual Dysfunction In America

This blog was established to discuss the current state of sexual relationships.

I am currently an unmarried individual, who has not had sex with my partner in over a year.  Just like with food, when there is a lack of something in your life it become the primary focus of life.

I have been to therapy, cried, pleaded, begged, sedated my self, and still have yet to get any closer to understanding why have people stopped having sex?

This blog and a large majority of my life will be committed to discussing the effects of sexless relationships on the global population, individuals, and  how it makes people feel.

CVH

 

The most humiliating moment ever

I found out today that the company I have been working for is being acquired.

Super stressed. Mildly agro, sex would be nice.

Not happening.

I told Ewan that I needed some space, and he ignored me and continued to press and fish about how I felt. I wanted nothing more then to take a bong hit and sit and contemplate my next steps.

Do I find a new job or move to the corporate office?

He kept on pressing me, and I kept asking to be left alone. Does not take a rocket scientist to know what one possible out come of this would be.

Some how all roads lead to sex, particularly when your not having it, yes, I accused him of not trying or making an effort – this is a do over conversation.

Tonight though, he said something different. In a demanding tone, you want to try and have sex , come over right now.

Ewan is not the kiss and make up guy, he is not the guy who can have sex while he is angry. It was laughable that he even suggested that I come over, but if you are going to call me out, I will come.

What happened next was very unpleasant, I showed up, he said you need to take your clothes off if we are going to try to have sex, you should have seen the shocked expression on my face, nice job at putting me in the mood. BUT I took my clothes off and got in bed regardless.

Then there was the kissing, we had not kissed in over 3 years and this has been a chronic complaint of mine, so he solved that in 30 secs, once for 15 seconds, and then for 15 more. Check that off the list.

I think they write songs about what happens next but there is something humiliating about giving a guy a blowjob when his penis is beyond limp, ok it feels wrong too.

At this point, I was angry with my self-letting my ego get the best of me and storming the castle, I new it was not work it on the phone.

~CVH